What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 02:33
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I don,t even have a pension.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She found it foreign!.
What is world history that not many people know about?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do foolish atheists think their strange delusional theories are facts?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
What's the gayest thing you have experienced on an only boys sleepover?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were not on the streets..
Can you share 100 facts about yourself?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ive learnt so much.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What did i know ?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I said to her
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was scared of men, in general
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was very sick at this time too.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He knew the spot.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But, we were locked up after school.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It was going to be , some day.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Who then, do I blame.?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My life is so biszare .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was seconnd youngest,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im still living with it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She married twice! .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I couldn’t, believe it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Would this be the day?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Put me off passion for life!!
I think the readers, may guess!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My family never makes their pension either.
And i lived it daily.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So whats the point in blame.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I write beautiful poetry .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
This is soul school!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We all went to grammer schools
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I waited trembling.
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was 9 years of age.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Comes on , in middle age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When she asked me how she looked .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She loved him until the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I have no regrets .
I will be 64.